I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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