You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
