Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
