You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
