its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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