you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
