so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
