every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
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I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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