The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
