i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
