I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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