if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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