Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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