I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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