She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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