we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
