I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
