My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
