lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Randomize
