I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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