the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
