the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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