We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
