and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
