I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
