the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
