yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
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it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
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I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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