Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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