I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
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No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
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I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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