We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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