I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
