Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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