he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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