i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
