i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
