Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
