I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
