Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
