I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
