Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
