I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
