Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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