Me too!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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