I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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