My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
