There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
