Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
