there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
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My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
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Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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