There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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