There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
