How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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