I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
