I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
