I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
