how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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