note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
