census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm just crazy horny about you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
