Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
