i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
