she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
